I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
