so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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