Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
