i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
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