afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
