Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
