it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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