Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
