my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I got inside last night via doggy door
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
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