I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
