Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
