Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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