what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
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