you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
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