Help. Asians are flirting in front of me(773): They speak asian
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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