If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
