Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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