...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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