Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
so let's talk penis.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
