I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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