...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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