I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
