life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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