when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
