I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize