I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
