I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
On imdb the canadians say It's amazing
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Panties = found
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