why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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