Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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