swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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