I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize