he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Randomize
