you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
