i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
