i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
