The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize