haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
