Cold hands, warm shart.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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