Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Randomize
