I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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