I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
