I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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