This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
