1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
