Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Randomize
