I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
