she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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