and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
