He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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