like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
