4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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