If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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