No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Randomize
