haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
