I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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