She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
