Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
