i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
