three words: i give head
three words: not that well
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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