Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
