There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I love having hate sex.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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