New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
