Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
