when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Holy shit dude........stairs
Randomize
